Quit trying to kill me, Women

Scary She-bitch

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/02/fashion/02love.html

Women are the worst. When a man doesn't like you, he is all up front and honest about it. He'll call after a date and explain "Although I enjoyed our drinks, conversation and/or sex, I don't see this going anywhere, and I encourage you to stop checking your text messages every 6 minutes." Real talk! And with each other, men are even more open and communicative, eager to discuss their feelings and explore problems that may have come up in a friendship though a little honest shouting, or punching. Women, on the other hand, are not about honest punching. They are about lying, judging, lying about judging, and generally being total secret sociopaths.

In Kelly Vallen's expose about which gender is the worst (it's women), she cites her college days as a popular sorority girl turned lame non-sorority girl. Apparently she went to a party for popular sorority girls, then got date raped by a fraternity boy who turned out to be totally nice. He and his brothers all apologized for both raping her, and observing the rape, which, I think we can all agree, is the upstanding thing to do when you have raped someone. She points out that this was very straightforward and honest of the fraternity brothers.

Not so for the women. Some period of time later, her evil best girlfriends expelled her from the sorority, a psychological torment that stuck with her many years after the rape incident was just another wacky tale about her wild college days. The girls claimed to dislike her for other, unrelated reasons, but Kelly knew it was a direct result of having had sex in college. Which is strange because, also according to Kelly, her sorority sisters' favorite reacreational activity was "coordinating the termination of unwanted pregnancies," a sport which sounds both tricky and rather alarmingly co-dependent. Divest of the amazing sorority friends she had made a few weeks earlier, who had clearly forged a deep bond with her over the course of one semester, Kelly came to realize that all women are similar to the members of her sorority. She did not attempt to make less popular, non-sorority friends, because she knew those girls would be just as exclusive as a group of people that forces you to pay scads of money for the privilege of hanging out with them.

Now, as an adult, she continues to steer clear of women, "begging off" the only known places to make female friends, such as the "charity circuit" and "country club scene." No such trouble with the gender responsible for snagging her virginity in front of a bunch of dudes when she drunkenly passed out- boys will be boys! Plus, she points out- "They did not blame me"- for, you know, being raped by them. Score 1 for Team XY!

In sum, while both men and women have the potential to hurt, betray, and commit felonies on you, only one gender will kick you out of the best sorority ever and ruin your life. Quit trying to kill me, Women!