Quit trying to kill me, text messaging

ROAD TO DELINQUENCY

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/16/health/research/16behavior.html?ref=health

Text Messaging Research has long been a well-regarded arm of the child psychology field, outshone only by Hot Topic t-shirts and Who-Got-Invited-to-Anna's-Party Studies as the most vital tool enabling us to understand today's youth. This week the Times wrote up findings that indicate increased text activity is probably forcing your teen to drink underage, smoke pot, smoke meth, have sex, join sects, know what a Ke$ha is, and generally get into all the types of Trouble most feared by yuppy parents the East-Coast-over. Non-pastel short wearing is probably in there somewhere too.

Exemplifying some of the most rock-solid logic around, Dr. Frank of Case of Beer Western notes that:

“It does make sense that these technologies make it easier for kids to fall into a trap of working too hard to fit in. If they’re working that hard to fit in through their social networks, they’re also trying to fit in through other behaviors they perceive as popular..."

Of course! Kids who are working too hard to fit in- you know, texting strangers on their phones in a desperate attempt to meet people - are obviously going to try cigarettes and meth so the other meth-addicted children will accept them. The kids who are not sending 120+ daily text messages are well-adjusted, because they are not trying to fit in. They don't give a rat's ass about being excluded from crazy warehouse rave orgies, they are far too cultured and busy with the upcoming Rotary Club fundraiser to take notice. Normal teens do not care very much about fitting in! Basically, if your kid starts sending a lot of text messages, they are going to become popular later on. I can't wait to read Dr. Frank's upcoming paper about how interest in school musical theater programs can later lead to raging homosexuality.

Near the end of the article, there's a brief note about another, less important correlation: turns out kids who spend 3+ hours on facebook and send 120+ text messages per day tend to have MORE permissive parents.... as in, parents who are less likely to trick their kids into eating food from multiple food groups, believing Calculus turns out to be useful later in life, and fearing Class A narcotics (psh. Suggestible kids). In other words, teens who over-use the text message function on their phones are more likely to have terrible parents. Which can only mean.... TEENAGERS WHO TEXT SAP THE PARENTING ABILITY OF NEARBY ADULTS.

I suspect that, as soon as text messaging is done disarming the once-vigilant grown-up population, we will be overrun by this brand-new type of teenager that engages in extremely shocking activities like alcohol use, sometimes skipping french class, and boning.