Quit trying to kill me, people who save money

American woman in perfect psychological health

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/24/science/24tier.html?ref=science
There are crazy people out there in the world. Some of them are schizophrenic, or sociopaths, or people with OCD, or people with OCD, or people with OCD. But no one can top the motherfuckers the nytimes recently unearthed in the name of public safety: people who can't stop not spending their money on crap.

As I need hardly point out, spending all your cash plus some other cash that AIG loaned you signifies to enemy combatants that you are an American with American values, ie. an inherent hatred for budgeting and soccer. But to some crazy people, living among us at this very moment, saving money is a growing, irresistable urge, an urge that can be attributed to nothing but: a psychological condition. Revel in the logic below:

The victims won’t evoke much sympathy — don’t expect any telethons — but their condition is real enough to merit a new label. Consumer psychologists call it hyperopia

Ah, yes. A term has been invented for it, therefore it is in no way completely made up. Sorry, did I say "invented"? The article goes on to explain that hyperopia is "the medical term for farsightedness." So by "new label," clearly they meant "label that already exists to describe a legitimate medical phenomenon and here is being used in a metaphorical and wholly unscientific manner." Got it.

Anyway, the reason these tragic victims suffering from "Farsighted Disease" are having so much trouble spending money like sane human beings is that they are trying to look at the trivial long-term benefits of holding onto a few bucks. You know, stupid shit like being able to send your kids to college eventually, or making sure your home isn't foreclosed on someday, or being able to bargain your way onto a Chinese Rescue Freighter when society collapses in like 6 months-ish.

In, "Oversaving: A Burden for our Times, " which I think might've been more appropriately titled "Oversaving: The Greatest Burden for our, or any Time," we learn that these are the kind of petty concerns you will one day regret as you lie dying,

When you’re on your deathbed, how much time will you spend wistfully thinking, “If only I’d bought the smaller plasma TV. . . .”?

Seriously, what a ridiculous thought. First of all, when I die, I certainly expect it to be on some sort of thatched flooring, since my bed will have been repossessed after my lifetime of glorious, worthwhile spending. Secondly, as I lie on my deathfloor, I will definitely be thinking "I'm so glad I bought a really huge plasma TV!"

Now someone please do the nation a favor and invent some kind of prescription pill, ideally an expensive one, to treat this terrible affliction. I don't want these people out roaming the streets, casually pretending to be Normal Brained, hoping no one notices that they are only window shopping.