Quit trying to kill me, facebook mafia

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/31/world/europe/31briefs-MAFIAFINDSFA_BRF.html?ref=technology

I don't want to hate on facebook. Without facebook, my life would be a hopeless abyss of jealousy-free dedication to my own thoughts, activities, and plans. Sux! Instead I'm able to silently/creepily peer into a carefully censored corner of other people's lives, and covet their apparently awesome existence. I even envy my past self. Analyzing my own profile, I've determined I used to spend 24 hours a day drinking out of red solo cups, fraternizing with frat boys, and maniacally grinning about how great it was (solo cups!). I also never looked fat, even during senior week, when I was on what nutritionists would call Cobra Diet since I routinely consumed my own body weight (a decent amount of King Cobra was also involved).

But putting aside its magical ability to make me feel like I'm missing out on some sort of fun somewhere at every moment of my life, I'm having issues with facebook's pro-Mafia agenda. I didn't know about this agenda, but someone on the New York Times' crack team of reporters asked his kid how to create an fbook profile and discovered pages dedicated to jailed mob bosses 'round the world. Although I initially took this to be encouraging evidence that today's youth are becoming engaged in world events and political issues, I later realized this might just be an extension of our other two main interests, Being Ironic, and Not Really Caring that It's Kind of Douchey.

Despite it being hilarious and super badass to "friend" someone who kills more frequently than Bird Flu (snore. Get serious, or get off the news.), do you really want your personal information accessible to a Crime Lord? All it takes is one sarcastic "Merry Christmas" post from you, and your full name, number, address, e-mail, friends, exact current location etc. are going in the "To Do" notebook under "stab needing". And he'll probably put a lot of stars by your name when he finds out your interests include "Lax" or your favorite movie is How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (first tip: make him watch How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days).

I would advise anyone who doesn't want to wake up next to a decapitated barnyard animal to confine their irony to overthought Halloween costumes (I went as a starving Wall Street banker!) and embittered company e-mails. And anyone who does want to wake up next to a decapitated anything, should probably talk to a professional.