http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/06/science/06bees.html?ref=science
Scientists, relative to other professionals, spend lots of time developing new ways to kill everyone. While others merely speculate, gosh, what would it be like if we could genetically modify all our food? Or if we could harness nuclear energy to create the most deadly weapon ever? Or if we could accelerate and collide particles to man-make a BLACK HOLE??, scientists faithfully follow their motto of "ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT."
A relatively new outlet for funding the demise of our own race is the prestigious what-happens-when-bees-do-cocaine research. As it turns out, coked out bees act pretty much like other things on cocaine- they have lots of energy, dance more than usual, get all excited over some shit that's no big fucking deal, borrow your car to drive across state lines, etc. All the people involved in this project, aka the sciencey types who've never been too popular on the party scene and are suddenly being paid in controlled substances, claim it is helping them better understand the nature of addiction. I would recommend that anyone hoping to better understand the nature of addiction rent 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, rather than provide heavy stimulants to the Assholes of the Animal Kingdom.
Scientists being scientists, I understand that their limitless curiosity may be difficult to contain. Therefore, I have provided a:
Handy List of Animals It's Cool to Give Cocaine to
Sloth
Cow
Housecat (declawed)
Manatee
Notice that none of these animals are aggressive, nor do any of them carry half their mass in stinger form.
The shit-for-brains behind this operation, Andrew B. Barron, is referred to in the NY Times as "a senior lecturer at Macquarie University in Australia and a co-leader in the bees-on-cocaine studies". If anyone is stopping by Australia soon, I'd appreciate if they could verify that Macquarie University is a vast expanse of isolated outback populated by the occasional coked-out kangaroo.
As if the existence of this study weren't enough indication that Americans are way too experiment-happy and should quarantine Bill Nye the Science Guy before our youth insist on dissecting Ole Yeller, the Times goes on to report:
When a coked-up bee has to stop cold turkey, its score on a standard test of bee performance (learning to associate an odor with sugary syrup) plummets.
A standard test of bee performance?? Apparently we have standardized bee-ranking criteria, which is really great, but maybe some of this bee-testing money could be diverted to ensuring the nation's children quit getting outscored by Third World Orphans on international exams that ask difficult questions about where the US is located, what planet they live on, etc.
In an effort to reassure us all that an uprising of delusional, drug-crazed bees is not in the works, Barron states that the cocaine is "in a safe bolted to a concrete floor within a locked cupboard in a locked room in a locked building with a combination code not known even to me." This seems like as good a time as any to mention that their next move, research-wise, is to take away the bees' cocaine.
Scientists, relative to other professionals, spend lots of time developing new ways to kill everyone. While others merely speculate, gosh, what would it be like if we could genetically modify all our food? Or if we could harness nuclear energy to create the most deadly weapon ever? Or if we could accelerate and collide particles to man-make a BLACK HOLE??, scientists faithfully follow their motto of "ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT."
A relatively new outlet for funding the demise of our own race is the prestigious what-happens-when-bees-do-cocaine research. As it turns out, coked out bees act pretty much like other things on cocaine- they have lots of energy, dance more than usual, get all excited over some shit that's no big fucking deal, borrow your car to drive across state lines, etc. All the people involved in this project, aka the sciencey types who've never been too popular on the party scene and are suddenly being paid in controlled substances, claim it is helping them better understand the nature of addiction. I would recommend that anyone hoping to better understand the nature of addiction rent 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, rather than provide heavy stimulants to the Assholes of the Animal Kingdom.
Scientists being scientists, I understand that their limitless curiosity may be difficult to contain. Therefore, I have provided a:
Handy List of Animals It's Cool to Give Cocaine to
Sloth
Cow
Housecat (declawed)
Manatee
Notice that none of these animals are aggressive, nor do any of them carry half their mass in stinger form.
The shit-for-brains behind this operation, Andrew B. Barron, is referred to in the NY Times as "a senior lecturer at Macquarie University in Australia and a co-leader in the bees-on-cocaine studies". If anyone is stopping by Australia soon, I'd appreciate if they could verify that Macquarie University is a vast expanse of isolated outback populated by the occasional coked-out kangaroo.
As if the existence of this study weren't enough indication that Americans are way too experiment-happy and should quarantine Bill Nye the Science Guy before our youth insist on dissecting Ole Yeller, the Times goes on to report:
When a coked-up bee has to stop cold turkey, its score on a standard test of bee performance (learning to associate an odor with sugary syrup) plummets.
A standard test of bee performance?? Apparently we have standardized bee-ranking criteria, which is really great, but maybe some of this bee-testing money could be diverted to ensuring the nation's children quit getting outscored by Third World Orphans on international exams that ask difficult questions about where the US is located, what planet they live on, etc.
In an effort to reassure us all that an uprising of delusional, drug-crazed bees is not in the works, Barron states that the cocaine is "in a safe bolted to a concrete floor within a locked cupboard in a locked room in a locked building with a combination code not known even to me." This seems like as good a time as any to mention that their next move, research-wise, is to take away the bees' cocaine.
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Keep in mind, next time you're watching Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, that birds aren't even scary. Imagining thousands of bees in their place, out trolling the streets of every major US city for their next fix, is enough to drive a girl out of the country. And I'm betting Macquarie University is still accepting applications.
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PS: My bee picture won't upload due to "internal errors." Would having a shitload of pissed off bees gnawing on your hard drive do that??
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